A Founder's Christmas Carol
by Fluffy and Scary Satanic One
Summary: It's Christmas, or the Day of Despair, at Hogwarts! No more summary is needed. If you are unfamiliar with us: Beware. Much crack went into the making of this fic. *Not really*


"God rest ye merry Hippogriffs—".

The door to Godric's office was flung open, and its owner jumped out frantically, "Holy shit! Is it that time of year already?!"

The group of second year Hufflepuffs froze, mid carol. "…Er…Yes, sir. It's Christmas."

"Shit! When did that happen?!"

The oldest in the group turned and looked at the clock, "About ten hours ago."

"Well," One of the younger ones said, "You could argue that it happened about ten-thousand years ago, when the muggles say that…" but the child feel silent as a dark and forbidding shadow loomed over them.

Salazar glared at some of his least favorite students. "Go the Hell away."

"But it's Christmas!" One of them explained.

"Yeah!" Another chimed in, "We were only—"

"_**Go**_**. **_**Away**_."

The group stared at him for a moment with wide eyes.

"What?! Don't you speak English?" He tried it in parselmouth.

The students ran away as though their lives depended on it. Many thought they did.

Godric looked at his co-founder disapprovingly, "That wasn't very nice."

Slytherin shrugged. "I'm not very nice."

"Is it really Christmas?"

"Yes. I've been dreading it for a month now."

"Oh! So that's what the 'Day of Despair' on your calendar is!"

"Indeed. It's all Helga has been talking about for the last month. Where have you been?"

"In a world where Rowena loves me and you and Helga don't exist."

"Speaking of Rowena," Salazar said, ignoring the second part of his comment, "What did you get her? I went with this older copy of—"

"HOLY SHIT! GIFTS!"

"…You forgot gifts?"

"Yes," Godric moaned.

"But gifts are the only part of this holiday that are even remotely bearable."

"What does she want? Help me!"

"I don't help dumbasses. You're on your own."

"But she needs a present! If I don't get her a present, she'll never love me, and I'll never father her children, and I'll never see what's under those robes, and—"

Salazar slapped him. Hard.

"What in the ruddy Hell was that for?!"

"Because I don't need those mental images… and because I've always wanted to. Now that's all the help you're getting from me."

"Wait….. waitwaitwaitwait. Wait. I've got it!"

"Got what? Cancer?" Salazar asked hopefully. "Will you die?… Please? It's what I want for Christmas."

Godric didn't seem to hear him. Instead, he conjured a big bouquet of flowers with a heart-shaped tag that said "Merry Christmas, Rowena. Will you love me?"

"That just screams 'desperate'." Salazar commented.

"Everything I do for the women screams 'desperate'. That's kind of the point."

"Sadling."

"Shithead."

"So what about Helga?" Salazar asked, knowing that nothing would bother Godric more than mentioning her.

"What about me?" Helga appeared between the two of them as though she had apparated there. Of course, she didn't, because Godric had fixed it so that it was impossible to apparate inside Hogwarts grounds to prevent her from apparating on top of him in the middle of the night in nothing but lingerie.

"Nothing." Godric said quickly. "Go away."

"Now who's not very nice?" Salazar turned to Helga. "We were just hoping you would join us for Christmas breakfast."

Standing behind her, Godric shook his head and made the motions of slicing his hand across his throat and hexing himself in the head.

"Aw… how sweet, Godric!" She squealed.

"I swear, it's like I don't even fucking exist…" Salazar said darkly.

"Really?" Godric seethed, attempting with little luck to keep Salazar in between himself and Helga at all times. "Good then. The first step to creating my fantasy world is complete."

"What is going on here?!" Rowena demanded as she stormed up the hallway toward them.

"Nothing." All three said at once.

"Oh really?" She snapped. "So seven second-year-Hufflepuffs just ran by my office screaming and in tears because of _nothing_?"

Salazar went slightly pale. "Well, Helga's house is a funny group, you know—"

"Ah. I thought it was your fault."

"Who said that it was my fault?!" Salazar asked quickly.

Godric faced Rowena and jumped up and down with his hand in the air, "Ooooh! Oooh!"

Rowena rolled her eyes and nodded at him.

"It's Salazar's fault."

"What the Hell, Godric!? Now you're being REALLY pathetic!"

"I think he was being rather helpful." Rowena glared at Salazar.

"Yeah!" Helga chimed in, "You're just being a big meaney!"

"What the Hell is this, Insult Salazar Day?"

"No, it's Christmas." Helga said.

"Actually it's the Day of Despair, remember?" Godric asked him, shifting the flowers in his arms. Helga noticed the movement.

"Aw!" She squealed in a voice so high everyone winced. "You got me flowers, Godwic. Though, you did spell my name funny… R-O-W-E-N-A…"

"Actually, they're for—" Godric started.

"Yes, Helga. For you." Rowena said, taking them from Godric and dumping them into Helga's arms. "How very sweet of him, _and not at all creepy_. Why don't you go put them in some water?"

"Oh, yes! I will! Back in a flash, Griffy-poo." She headed for her office.

"That woman is a complete nightmare…" Salazar rubbed his temples.

"We finally agree on something…" Godric said.

"Godric. How many times must I tell you '_**no'**_?"

"So far it's been 9,873 times." Salazar said helpfully.

"Did I ask for your input?" Rowena glared at him.

"No. I should go… apologize to the Hufflepuffs." With that, he was gone.

"You do that."

"You're so scary when you're mad." Godric was practically drooling as he said it.

"Don't make me hex your balls off."

"So you can keep them in a jar?"

"No."

"It would make a great Christmas present."

"Godric, do you want to live to forget another Christmas?"

"Yes. Yes I would. Very much so. Just teasing…"

"All right. I suppose I shall have to just live with this. _Stupify._"

Godric fell flat on his face, out before he hit the ground.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good, long, unconsciousness. Or at least to you." Rowena left with a pleased little smile on her face.

Salazar, deciding to be nice and offer the Hufflepuff students some candy for their efforts and in forgiveness, entered Godric's office.

"Godric, do you have any—" He paused, seeing Godric upon the floor. "Ew… How did THAT get on the floor? Ah, well. Time to loot through his stuff."

Thus ends Christmas morning at Hogwarts.

* * *

**Authors' Note**

**Fluffy: Oh, God, SSO. We should never write near the holidays…**

**SSO: Well, it's not like we've been writing at any other time of the year lately… **

**Fluffy: I blame school. Among other things. So it's not my fault. At all. **

**SSO: I blame you. Never mind whose fault it is. **

**Fluffy: Strangely, I can live with that. Anyway: Have a happy Day of Despair. We hope you've enjoyed spending it with the founders. **

**SSO: And if you haven't… We don't give a shit. **


End file.
